When Ants Go Marching

August 19, 2011

Though my Alpha Parents take me for daily W-A-L-K’s and I am frequently allowed to visit the P-A-R-K, sometimes I feel that I have an excess of “alone time.”  I am an introvert, don’t get me wrong, but even a hound who sleeps 21 hours per day gets a little lonely sometimes.  Luckily, I have plenty of nice friends who live nearby, including a family of bunnies and my next-door neighbor, a cat named Sprinkles.  (Okay, Sprinkles isn’t very nice, but I like to have staring contests with her.)  My most recent acquaintance, however, was with a clan of sugar ants.

I think they live somewhere behind the shoe bin, but I’m not quite sure.  They’re not shy, and they often wake up early to greet me during breakfast.  I’ve always been fascinated by their ability to counter surf, a feat that is a bit challenging for me given my height.  Bonding with these sugar ants has not been so difficult given that we have so much in common.  For example, we both despise fruits (especially grapes!) as well as vegetables.  Also, we both frequently find ourselves the subjects of Alpha Mom’s frustration, though none of us have been able to figure out why.

I hope my new friends will decide to stick around for a while.  I quite enjoy sharing my room with them, and am always happy to point them in the direction of the pancake mix.

Impaw-fect House Rules

August 12, 2011

A great injustice has come to my attention lately due to a misunderstanding in my house.  I am one of five siblings– it’s Brother Pooch, Sister Fairy, Sister Martian, Cat, and me.  I get on pretty well with all of my siblings (as long as Brother Pooch, Sister Fairy, and Sister Martian remember to share their People Food) with the exception of Cat.  We have never been able to hit it off very well.  Most of the time we just ignore one another, but recently the tension has been building between us over some unfair house rules.

1. Cat can snack on my food and indulge in my water dish, but I am is not permitted to eat Cat’s food

Just because I eat four times as much does not mean that I have to share.  Cat seriously needs to go on a diet, so it makes no sense that she gets to snack more.

2. Cat gets to go upstairs, but I have to stay downstairs and sleep in my dog bed at night.

Okay, so I guess I did have 48 hours of upstairs privileges when I first moved in.  But I only knocked over a couple of trash cans and chewed a few shoes!

3. When Cat wants to sit on the furniture, my family pets her.  When I sit on the furniture, I get into trouble.

So I drool a bit and my paws are muddy.  Big deal!  If I have to spend my afternoons on the carpet, then so should Cat.

It’s tough being a hound dog.  Yes, there’s Cat, sitting on the sofa and watching me type this.  I can’t help but laugh– she might have all the privileges around here, but I’m the only one who has managed to figure out Alpha Mom’s computer password!

Tell-a-fone

August 5, 2011

I am confused.  Alpha Dad was supposedly gone for the weekend (but no worries, he’s back from his trip now!!!), but on Friday night I think he was hiding inside of this tasty doggy-bone-shaped thingy that Alpha Mom calls a “tell-a-fone.”  I was sitting by the window, waiting for Alpha Dad to come home in the No Dogs Allowed Car.  Alpha Mom was calling to me from the kitchen, but I decided to ignore her.

Alpha Mom got really obnoxious.  She started clapping her hands and whistling.  The great thing about having big ears is that they’re like built-in ear muffs that block out all the noise.  But then I heard something really amazing!  Maybe I mad missed Alpha Dad coming home because I heard his voice from the kitchen!  I trotted into the kitchen, hoping for a belly rub.  But Alpha Dad was nowhere to be seen!  I sniffed around and was quite positive that Alpha Dad was not in the room.

“Woody!”  I heard Alpha Dad calling me, but I didn’t know which way to run.  “What’s up, Woody?”  There was the voice again!  I started running in circles, racing through the house and completely unable to control myself.  Alpha Dad has to be around here somewhere!  I know that’s him talking, I just know it!

There are a lot of things about this world that I will never understand.  The tell-a-fone is one of them.

Heartbroken Hound

July 29, 2011

When Alpha Dad woke me up this morning and asked if I wanted to go to the P-A-R-K this morning, I leapt out of bed and ran straight for the shoe bin.  I’ve been a good boy– I’ve kept the bagel that I’ve been saving for Cassie there all week, and only licked it a couple of times.  I conceal the bagel in my closed mouth so that Alpha Dad won’t see it, and follow him out to the car.

We arrive at the P-A-R-K just as the “No Dogs Allowed” time begins, but I can’t read and neither can the other dogs.  Besides, I’ve never been much of a rules person.  Across the parking lot I spot Cassie walking with her Alpha Mom.  Her Alpha Mom is carrying a frisbie!  Ordinarily, I would rush over to sniff it, but my mouth is too full of bagel to do so today.  Instead, I walk slowly across the parking lot, doing my best to come off as a dignified gentleman.

“Wff!” I attempt to greet Cassie, but it comes out a little muffled.  Cassie doesn’t seem to hear me.  I begin to wabbit run across the parking lot.  I simply can’t contain myself any longer!  I roll dramatically to a stop in front of Cassie and drop the bagel at her feet.  “Woof!” I announce triumphantly.

Cassie eyes the dripping bagel cautiously.  She gives it a little sniff.  C’mon Cassie, pick it up, it’s for you!

“Cassie, come!” orders Cassie’s Alpha Mom.  I’m starting to think that Cassie’s Mom is the Alpha Mom of all Alpha Moms.

Cassie pushes the bagel back toward me with her paw.  “Woof,” she says softly.  Thanks, kid, but I don’t want your doggy bagel.

I sit in the grass, dumbfounded.  Suddenly, I’ve lost my appetite for the bagel.  I watch Cassie and her Alpha Mom proceed through the dewey grass.  I want to take a nap right there by the parking lot, but Alpha Dad is calling me.  I turn to glance at Alpha Dad just in time to see a huge great dane jump over me!

“Arroof!”  Hey, buddy, who do you think you are?  I’m trying to catch some zzzz’s here!  The great dane ignores me, and I watch, horrified, as he runs straight toward Cassie.  “Ahhrooo!” I howl, Look out, Cassie!  But the great dane slows down when he reaches her.  He greets Cassie’s Alpha Mom, who scratches him behind one of his ears.  And then he gives Cassie a gentle nuzzle.  She licks him back.

I can’t believe this.

And this is not over.

Digging for Buried Bagel

July 22, 2011

I have to do something to impress Cassie.  She’s started walking her Alpha Mom around my town, but even though our paths cross all the time, she won’t give me the time of day!  Maybe if I gave her something really exceptional, she would realize that our relationship is simply meant to be.

Once, after I had been to the P-A-R-K with Alpha Dad, we stopped for bagels before heading home.  Bagels are a personal favorite of mine, especially when they have cream cheese on them.  (Shh!  Don’t tell Alpha Mom!)   Unfortunately, it’s a rare occasion when someone gives me a bagel.  Apparently bagels are classified as “People Food,” a term that my family uses to describe food that they don’t think dogs will like.  But they’ve got it wrong– I love People Food!  I wish my family understood that they don’t have to go through the trouble of procuring “Dog Food” for me, because I would be perfectly happy on a diet of People Food.  Ah well, life is tough.

Anyways, back to my recollections.  That day, Alpha Dad got a bagel just for me.  It was a little harder than a regular bagel, and a little smaller, too.  Plus, it smelled suspiciously like kibble.  But it was shaped like a bagel, and I figured, Hey, good enough, my family is finally coming around.  I figured I would put the bagel somewhere special, because after all, it’s not often that a hound gets the good stuff.  So I dug up a patch of grass in a cozy corner by the fence, buried my bagel, and kicked some dirt on top of it to keep it safe.

Apparently I did too good of a job hiding my treasure.  Now I’m in my backyard trying to remember where I left the tasty snack.  Oh Cassie, if only you could see how hard I’m trying.  I dig up a couple of plants, sniff around the edge of the driveway, and–

Ohmygosh I smell it, that’s it, oh gee, to the left, no, to the right, no, forward, I’m on the scent!  Oh Cassie, Cassie, Cassie I’ve got it it’s over here somewhere yes that’s the corner ahhhh the excitement is killing me!  Under the plant, under the grass, dig Woody dig dig dig!  Oh boy ohboyohboy this is it!  Yesssssss!

When Cassie sees this treasure, she won’t be able to resist.

When It’s Love, Run, don’t W-A-L-K.

July 15, 2011

I saw her last night!  And it wasn’t just a dream, it was real!!  I was walking with my Alpha Parents, when all of a sudden I caught a glimpse of a pretty young basset hound across the street.  I pulled at my leash to get a closer look, and sure enough, it was Cassie!  I bounded across the street, dragging Alpha Dad behind me, and ran up to sniff her shiny, brown fur.

“Woof!”  I said, Hi, it’s Woody, remember me?

Cassie sniffed me cautiously, and then turned away and proceeded down the street with her Alpha Mom.

“Woof!” I tried again, Wait!  Come back!  I thought we were friends!

Cassie’s Alpha Mom shot a disgusted look in my direction as my Alpha Dad apologized profusely for my “bad behavior.”

It’s rough being a basset hound.  I thought humans were really into the whole “true love at first sight” idea, but I guess they don’t realize that applies to their four-pawed companions.

But this is Sheriff Bluepaw talking, the Assistant Protector of Bagels Everywhere.  I don’t give up that easily.  I’m going to prove my love to Cassie, and I’m not going to let any two-paw nonsense get in my way.

Who Says Bassets Can’t Crochet?

July 8, 2011

Sometimes, it gets a little boring being a basset hound.  My family goes outside to garden, and I’m left inside with only the cat to keep me company.  (I’d rather have no company at all, she’s really bosy.)  So the other day I figured I’d take up a hobby.  After all, each person in my family has a hobby.  Brother Pooch likes to practice playing his vavuvalawawa.  Sister Fairy bakes cookies, which I am sometimes lucky enough to snatch.  Sister Martian likes to drive the car into the garage– she does it all the time, but I’ve never been able to figure out why she likes to do it so much.  Alpha Mom sings, and she’s pretty good, especially when she sings about the lion that sleeps tonight (I can sympathize!).  However, I like Alpha Dad’s hobby best of all because his hobby is giving me attention.

Anyways, I was lying in the middle of the living room with nothing to do.  And all of a sudden I noticed that there was a ball of yellow yarn on the coffee table right in front of me!  I remembered how Sister Martian was… crocheting?  Is that the word? …this morning, and I thought, “If she can do it, so can I!”  I couldn’t find that funny metal stick thing that she was using, but I figured if I just gave the yarn ball a good chewing, my teeth could be just as efficient.

As it turned out, I was really talented at this crocheting business.  Before long, I had covered the entire living room with yellow yarn!  I figured, why would an adventurous basset hound want to take on a small project when he could take on a big project?  I made sure every inch of carpet was yellow, but I still felt like my project was missing something.

And then I had the most incredible idea.  There, on the coffee table, was a blue metal object.  It looked a little bit like a computer, except that it was much smaller and instead of letters it had numbers on the keys.  But most importantly, it was shiny!  I jumped as high as I could and knocked the device onto the carpet.  I gave it a few good chomps and spread the pieces around the living room to adorn my crochet project.  I knew my family would be impressed!

Sure enough, when Sister Martian walked into the living room later that day, she stared at my creation for a really long time.  I think she was awstruck by the force of beauty before her.  And then she told our Alpha Parents to come and have a look, and they stared at my project for a really long time, too.  Before long, my entire family was standing in the living room, admiring the work of their talented hound.

Sweet Dreams

July 1, 2011

I spend lots of time sleeping, which means I also spend lots of time dreaming.  Usually I imagine I’m snatching a hot dog or a steak, but as soon as I’ve knocked it off the kitchen table I wake up.  But today I had one of the most incredible dreams ever:

I was at the P-A-R-K with Alpha Dad.  The grass was green and dewey, and I rolled in it for good measure.  There were all sorts of dogs at the P-A-R-K, and I frolicked with some golden retrievers.  When I glanced back for Alpha Dad (even in my dreams, I like to make sure that he hasn’t wandered off and gotten lost), he was deep in conversation with my friends’ Alpha Parents.  I figured he could keep himself occupied for a while, so I started to trot up the hill… and that was when I saw her.

She was the most beautiful dog in the P-A-R-K.  She was slender for a basset hound, with long tan ears that dangled gracefully to the ground.  Her tail wagged a bit when she saw me, and I waddled toward her, thrilled and petrified all at once.  She turned to look at me with her big brown eyes, and I couldn’t resist–I ran up and licked her.

Just then, her Alpha Mom called to her from across the P-A-R-K.

“Cassie!  Cassie, come!”

Cassie!  Ah, if only I could speak!  Cassie, Cassie, Cassie is her name!  My tail was wagging uncontrollably and I was drooling like crazy and then, to my horror, Cassie turned and glided obediently back to her Alpha Mom.

And then, of all the inconvenient moments to wake up, I was pulled back into reality.  Brother Pooch was trying to give me a belly rub, but all I could think about was my stunning new acquaintance.

My Personality Test

June 24, 2011

My family took the Jung Typology Test for fun the other night, so I thought I’d give it a try.  I don’t understand why they thought it was so amusing– it doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert if you spend your whole day snoozing!  But I am an adventurous hound, and with four paws, I managed to click my answers in pretty quickly!

“You are almost never late for your appointments.”  First of all, a basset hound never schedules appointments.  Sleep comes first, and if someone wants to talk to me, they’re going to have to wait until I’ve had my beauty rest.  So I guess that’s a no.

“Strict observance of the established rules is likely to prevent a good outcome.”  Definitely not.  The rules state that a hound is not permitted to snatch a hamburger.  But successfully snatching a hamburger is most certainly a good outcome.  That would be another no.

“It is in your nature to assume responsibility.”  Alpha Dad gets to worry about that one.  No.

“You know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose.”  Absolutely—sleeping!  Yes.

“A thirst for adventure is close to your heart.”  Yes.

I have to finish my nap soon, but here are my results:

Introverted- 100%

Sensing- 50%

Thinking- 1%

Perceiving- 30%

Well, I have no idea what those mean, but if for some crazy reason you want to sacrifice your nap to take the test, here’s the link: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Alpha Dad’s Day

June 19, 2011

Why does a hound always have to do everything?  Some families remember Alpha Dad Day and make plans to go out to eat or see a movie, but my family is disorganized, which means the entertainment for the day is taking me for a W-A-L-K.  Don’t get me wrong, W-A-L-K’s are the best!  I insist that Alpha Dad take me every night, and if he’s tired I just pout and spill my food everywhere until he realizes who’s boss.  But no hound wants to wake up early on Sunday morning, especially after he had to stay up all night because Sister Martian was having a party.  Those crazy kids were running around and shouting and singing for three whole hours!  I did manage to snatch a pulled pork sandwich, though, and that made up for some of the disturbance.  I had counted on getting to sleep in this morning, but woe is the strenuous life of a basset hound.

Anyways, I’m finally home from a long, hot W-A-L-K and you won’t believe what the plan is for the rest of the day!  Watching the U.S.-Jamaica soccer game with the sound on!  I agree with Alpha Mom on this one– soccer games are best with the sound off.  But as Alpha Mom tried to explain to me, on Alpha Dad Day we have to tolerate the crazy pastimes of our Alpha Dads.  So I’m trying to ignore the obnoxious vavuvalawawas in order to catch some shut-eye under the coffee table.

There should be a day when my whole family celebrates me.  We could call it “Basset’s Day.”  I would even settle for “Woody’s Day.”  There would be a strict no-noise policy, everyone would sleep until 5 p.m., and then I would go for a brisk walk, have a whole steak to myself, and fall asleep.  Heavenly!

In the mean time, though, I’ll have to try to get into the spirit of Alpha Dad’s Day.  I suppose I can sleep in for the rest of the week to make up for the great inconvenience of the game.  And I just know he’s going to love my present: I’ve taken it upon myself to help him with his gardening!


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